Silent Scream
by GohanRules
Summary: Silent Screams: subtle signs of desperation. Unnoticed cries for help. What could possibly happen when the guys fail to notice the marks of hopelessness written all over one of their friends? Why can't they just open their eyes and, for once, just see?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **I am on a roll! Lol, I've never uploaded so many stories in so little time. I think I'm officially a mainly BTR based author. Yep, that's right. I'm switching sides. I feel like a traitor, but that's okay. It's more fun on the dark side…plus, I hear they have cookies :D So here I am, at 5:38AM, suddenly struck with deep inspiration for this baby. This one was really fun to write…don't know if it's any good though…it's 5:38 for crying out loud! IT really got to me while I was writing this one. This one is more out of personal experience, not exactly this, but something close. I hope you guys enjoy it.

**Warning: **Angst (I think that's it)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush…it'd be amazing if I did though, right?

Soft scraping sounds were produced as Logan moved the food around on his plate with the fork loosely held between his fingertips. He looked down at his uneaten breakfast with a look of slight disgust. He hadn't been eating much in the past couple of weeks, and he had acquired a disdain towards anything that could cause his body any harm. Logan didn't mind being hungry all the time. The lack of nutrients in his body allowed him to shed a few pounds. Ten to be exact, a personal accomplishment of his. The brunet continued to flick pieces of scrambled eggs from one side the large white plate to the other nonchalantly as his friends around him continued to practically inhale their food as if they hadn't eaten in weeks. The table was quiet. No one spoke. The only sounds heard were loud swallows, deep intakes of breaths, and the scraping of metal on Logan's plate.

"Logie, are you going to eat that?"

Logan tiredly turned his head to the side to see Carlos hungrily eyeing the contents on his plate. A small smile formed on Logan's lips at his friend's childish behavior. He looked down at his unwanted breakfast one more time and scrunched his nose before shaking his head and pushing it away towards Carlos.

"No Carlos. You can have the rest if you want. I'm not really-,"

"Okay Logan, thanks," the Hispanic interrupted him rudely as he grabbed the platter and began scarfing down the food. Logan's small smile dropped from his face and was replaced with a tight line as he nodded his head and looked down at his lap. It's okay. He didn't mind being interrupted sometimes. He didn't have a strong, powerful voice like Kendall had. Or a smooth, relaxing voice that just made you want to appreciate it like James did. And he definitely didn't have the bright and loving personality that just made you stop, smile, and wait to hear what unexpected thing was about to be said like Carlos was known for. If anything, it was Logan's fault he was always getting interrupted. He just needed to speak up more. The pale boy sighed loudly as he waited for his friends to finish. James was the first to get up as he pushed his chair away from the table and took out a comb from his pocket. Logan looked up excitedly and he smiled widely at James.

"James, I was thinking maybe we could hang out today? Maybe we could go to that Cuda products sale they're having at the mall?" he asked hopefully as his eyes brightened up. The brunet turned around and began walking away without acknowledging the brunet.

"Oh. Uh…sorry Logan, but I'm actually going there right now and I'm always able to cover more ground when I'm by myself," he answered over his shoulder with a dismissive wave as he neared the door. Logan face fell, but he tried not to let it show how disappointed he was. He looked back up at James' retreating back and gave him a sad smile as if the tall teen could see it.

"O-oh…that's okay. I g-guess we can just hang out some other t-,"

The genius wasn't able to finish his sentence as a loud bang echoed through the kitchen. Once again, the teen's expression visibly saddened, but he remained quiet. He looked back down at his lap and wrung his hands distractedly as the loud breathing and scraping continued.

"Done!" Carlos exclaimed with a smile as he patted his stomach appreciatively. Logan couldn't help the minute giggle that bubbled from his throat. Maybe Carlos would want to hang out with him? Logan wasn't sure, but it was worth a try, right? With that, he shyly raised his gaze to see Carlos slowly standing up from his seat and stretching his arms and legs.

"I'm going to the carnival, I'm going to the carnival, I'm going to the carnival," the short boy began to chant happily as he tightened the straps of his helmet and began moving his hips rhythmically to his own singing. Logan perked up at the words and he could feel his heart beating anxiously in his chest. He hadn't been to a carnival in years. He didn't even know there was a carnival going on today. Why didn't Carlos tell anyone about it? Why didn't he tell him? The slightly saddened teen pushed the thought out of his head as he looked up at Carlos happily.

"A carnival? Cool, Carlos! I'll go with you. Just let me get my wallet and I'll be ri-,"

"Nah. I'm going with the Jennifers…as a _date_."

"What? Really? The Jennifers agreed to go on a date with you?" Logan asked unbelievingly. Carlos beamed at Logan as he shook his head in the negative.

"Not _yet_, but I know I can change their minds."

"I-If you want, I can h-help you."

"It's okay Logan. I don't need you," Carlos said innocently as he ran out of the apartment. Logan could feel his chest tightening with the sting of that last comment. He looked longingly at the shut door. Man, a carnival. Logan would give anything to go that. But it wouldn't be any fun if he went by himself. Then an obvious thought occurred to him. Kendall! Of course!

"Kendall!" The blond snapped his head up with his fork still in hand. His eyes were wide in surprise and his cheeks were full. He looked at Logan confusedly before speaking.

"What?" he mumbled, a few pieces of bacon flying out of his mouth. Logan blushed lightly at how eager he must have seemed. He forced himself to sound nonchalant as he tapped his foot nervously under the table.

"U-um…C-Carlos is g-going to the carnival today, and I just wanted to know if maybe we could go too?" His heart stopped for a second and everything seemed to go into slow motion as he awaited his friend's reply. It seemed like an eternity passed before the sandy-haired male swallowed his food and smiled brightly at Logan.

"Sure Logan. Let's go right now. I'm done with breakfast."

Logan couldn't describe the immense feeling of joy that surged through him as he finally managed to convince one of his friends to spend time with him. The corners of his mouth rose drastically as he bounced up from his seat. For the first time in what seemed like forever, the dimples that showed up when he smiled his hardest made themselves noticed on his smooth, pale cheeks. His eyes brightened, contrasting with the deeply dark circles under them. He ran around the table as Kendall got up, and pulled him into a tight hug. Kendall's thick eyebrows rose in surprise, but he brought his hands up around the smaller body.

"Um…not that It's a big deal, but what's the hug for?" he asked. Logan released the other from the loving, thankful embrace and took hold of his arm.

"Sorry, I'm just happy someone finally wants to hang out with me," the brunet mumbled as he began speeding out the apartment with his hold still on Kendall's arm. The taller of the two shrugged his shoulders at what the genius said and smiled warmly down at him. They were reaching the lobby when Kendall took notice of a familiar head of blonde hair sitting by one of the chairs reading a book.

"Hey look, it's Jo! Jo!" Kendall yelled out at the girl as he abruptly stopped, almost making Logan fall down in the process. The brunet looked around the lobby curiously and spotted the seated girl as well. He smiled at Kendall and joined in on calling her over.

"Hey, Jo!"

The teen looked up from her book when she heard two familiar voices calling her name. She turned around and grinned as she spotted Kendall and Logan smiling and waving her over. She put down the book and waked over o them with the grin still on her face.

"Hey boys. Where are you two going?" Logan opened his mouth to speak, but was beat to the punch by his excited friend.

"Logan and I were just going to the carnival," he said and Logan nodded his head in jubilation. Jo's face brightened considerably at the proclamation.

"Ooh! You mean the one taking place by the mall? I was just about to go myself."

"You should come with us!" Kendall blurted out eagerly. Jo smiled at Kendall and looked to Logan for acceptance. The shorter male looked at her as he jumped up excitedly. This was sounding like more and more of a fun day already. Logan remembered how much more fun the carnival was when you have more people with you.

"Yea! Yea! Let's go! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!" he begged as he continued bouncing. His actions seemed to have been unknowingly mimicking a certain energetic Latino. Kendall and Jo couldn't help but to chuckle at the display.

"Alright then, let's go," Jo offered. Kendall smiled and took hold of the girl's hand as they began walking. Logan made a move to follow when he heard Kendall distractedly suggest something over his shoulder.

"Okay Logan, I guess I'll catch up with you later? Maybe we'll also see Carlos and James there."

The pale boy's beaming smile was immediately replaced with a crushed frown. His shoulders tensed and his throat clenched. What? Catch up with you later? He thought they were all going to hang out together. Kendall said they would go. Why would he just leave him like that? He knew how excited he was for this. Why didn't he want to go with him? Why didn't anyone want to be around him?

All these questions passed by Logan's head, but they were soon replaced with a feeling of aching numbness as he stared at Kendall and Jo's retreating figure. He stayed planted in his spot as he watched them walk away. His bottom lip was caught in his teeth as he attempted to restrain the whimper he knew was going to be released. However, he couldn't do anything to hold back the rivulets of tears that began to ride down his cheeks mercilessly. They kept on walking, both caught up in their own little chatter to care about him. Suddenly, Jo turned her head laughing at something Kendall said and she met eyes with Logan. She instantly showed concern and confusion as even from far away, she could see the hurt look he was giving them. Without another thought, Logan ran away from the scene and back up the stairs to 2J, lonely, hopeless sobs following him the whole way.

He slammed the door closed and ran to the bathroom. He barely made it and toppled to his knees after closing the door behind him. His chest quaked uncontrollably and his body shook with force. His deeply dark circles were now contrasting with his pained, tired, bloodshot red eyes as he stared down at the tile floor beneath him. The hot, salty liquid drained from his eyes and splashed onto the floor as he let his emotions leak out. Alone. He felt alone. Not even his own friends wanted him. No one even cared about him. Why else would they just ignore him like this? It's not like this was the first time. Logan can't remember the last time he was happy. It felt like so long. He doesn't even remember how to pretend to be content. He was sure it was obvious how depressed he's been. He hasn't eaten anything substantial in a long time. He thought people might have been disgusted with his body, so he tried to drop a few pounds of fat. He hasn't had the energy to make it through rehearsals without tripping over his own feet or having his voice crack on a simple note. For god's sake! He can't even sleep and when he actually manages to get an hour or two in, he wakes up screaming and covered in dry sweat. How hard was it to notice it? I mean they shared rooms! Why hasn't anyone noticed? Why won't anyone help? Logan wanted help more than anything else. He just…couldn't ask them.

His body stilled and his eyes became hazy and far away. The tears were still rolling down his face, but he was now silent. Without blinking or making a sound, Logan lifted himself up off the floor and walked over to the bathtub. He laid himself down on the hard, white surface and hugged his knees to his chest.

"Why?" he whispered, his voice strangled and broken.

Why couldn't anyone hear his silent screams?

**Feedback would be nice. I like to know when I do a good job, and when I do a bad job. It keeps me from feeling like I'm attacking at these things blind. So yea, you get the point: Please Review?**

**-Gohanrules out!**


	2. Chapter 2

** Author's Note: No time to talk much. I got a laptop for Christmas and I'm able to type again! YAY! Anyway, know this: I have decided to make this story a multi chapter because everyone kept asking for it. Also, all those other stories some of you are waiting for updates on, they're coming soon. So enjoy this and if you want to contact me, tweet me :) I'll put my twitter username at the end for you.**

** Warnings: Extreme angst**

** Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

His body was numb yet sore at the same time. His pale skin pinched closely together in the form of goosebumps. He could feel the cold, brisk air swirling around him, fleeing under his shirt, seeping through his jeans, but he didn't posess the necessary energy to even bother shivering. It was as if his body and his mind were working together to refuse him any form of comfort whatsoever. He was protected from no pain, no discomfort, no displeasure. Logan felt the strong urge to scoff at his trail of thought. The only thing keeping him was the brake of silence he would cause by doing so.

Logan wasn't sure how long he had been quietly weeping to himself inside the hard porcelien bathtub, but more than enough time had passed for him to feel as if his body was permanently molded to fit inside perfectly. He released a shaky breath as the hum of the automatic air conditioner sounded through the apartment. He ignored the cool air coming down on his still wet cheek and sniffled. His sobs had diminished long ago, decreasing from the hiccup-like, tangled mess of cries he had acquired at some point earlier in his little outbreak. Now he was left with the occassional sniffle and whimper. He felt pathetic. How old was he, eight? No, last time Logan checked, he was a mature, responsible seventeen-year-old.

"So stop acting like a little girl and get up," he rasped quietly.

The joints in his arm made a resounding popping sound as he reached up and wiped away the signs of tears on his cheeks. He needed to get a hold of himself. He couldn't let the others see him like this. Yet, even as the thought ran through his head, Logan couldn't help but to argue with himself. Why couldn't he let Carlos, James, and Kendal lsee him this way?Wasn't that what he wanted? Did he not desperately _need _their help?

Stupid questions. Obvious answers.

_"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am.I wish that I could move, but I'm exhausted and nobody understand."_

Logan's eyes widened in surprise as he heard the familiar smooth singing. When did James get back? Logan didn't even hear him come in. Was he really that "preoccupied"?

_ "I'm trying hard to breathe now, but there's no air in my 's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb,"_ James continued in a soft tenor voice.

The brunet in the bathroom bit his bottom lip as the meaning of the words James was singing reached him. The genius stood up on shaky legs and walked to the bathroom door as silently as he could manage. He pressed his ear against the cold wood and closed his eyes to listen better. James' singing seemed to have seized and all Logan could detect now was the loud bang of pots and pans being moved. After a short minute, the shuffling of metal seemed to stop and be replaced by the singing once again.

_"I try to hold this under control. They can't help me 'cause no one knows."_

Logan's breath hitched as his eyes shot open and he pushed himself away from the door. That song was too accurate to not be scary. It explained exactly what Logan was feeling. Why was James singing it? The pale teen shook the unwanted thoughts from his head and once again wiped the tears from his cheeks. He turned around and looked himself in the mirror. There was no quiet gasp at the sight of the bags under his eyes, no flip of his stomach as he noticed the way his clothes hung looser over his body than he remembered. But a scowl did appear on his face when he saw the dried tear stains on his cheeks. He turned on the faucet and quickly splashed some water on himself. He used the clean towel hanging by the sink and dried his face before taking a deep breath and opening the bathroom door.

There was a bubbling sound coming from the kitchen and Logan found himself walking that way to see what it was. As soon as the kitchen came into view, Logan and James made eye contact. The taller brunet's hazel irises twinkled in confusion.

"Logan? When did you get here? I didn't hear the door."

"I was in the bathroom."

"I came back twenty minutes ago. What were you doing in there?" James asked, a tinge of suspicion lacing his voice.

"I was cleaning it. It was getting pretty dirty," Logan was surprised by how easily the lie came to him. James seemed to buy it without hesitation.

"That's cool."

James turned around without another word and began stirring whatever was in the boiling pot of water on the stove. Logan craned his neck to the side and saw the empty box of macaroni and cheese on the counter. His stomach instantly grumbled in response, but he dutifully ignored it.

"Want some?" James asked over his shoulder. He put the fork down on the counter and leaned back against tge counter while waiting for Logan's reply.

"I'm not hungry. Thanks anyway."

"But you didn't eat breakfast."

Logan's eyes widened. He noticed? What else does he know? The spiky-haired teen's heart began to race at the proclomation. What if James wasn't as ignorant as he had originally thought? What if the muscular teen was _very _aware of Logan's...situation?

"W-what? do you mean?" was all Logan was able to say. James raised a dark brown eyebrow.

"You gave Carlos your breakfast, didn't you?"

"Oh...yea..."

"So?"

"Sure," the genius reluctantly answered. James nodded lazily and turned back around on his heel to attend to the quick dish. Logan side-stepped, his eyes never leaving James' toned back, and plopped himself down on a chair. He was suspicious yet he didn't know why. What could James know? Of the four of them, the tall, hazel-eyed hearth-throb was the least expected to figure out what as happening. Logan had to stiffle a dry chuckle at the thought of James opening his eyes and noticing anyone other than himself. He had nothing to suspect. James didn't know anything. The real question was how did Logan feel about that. Should he be relieved? Now he was free to continue his little pity party in the bathroom, making it a daily occurence to vegetate in the bathtub while he silently cried his eyes out. Or should he be horrified? The pale teen's world seemed to be collapsing around him and no one seemed to notice or care.

He hasn't heard from his parents in almost a month, and they usually managed to call once or twice every week. The guys were always out making plans and hanging out without him. Even Mama Knight and Katie were barely ever home anymore. The brunet couldn't even find a break from his depressing thoughts when he was at work. Gustavo's usually half-brained, poorly thought out insults seemed to have escalated in both sting and, if possible, volume. Not only that, but it also seemed like the big-boned record producer was singling Logan out. There hasn't been a work day in the past three weeks that Logan hasn't trudged his way home, shoulders dropped and expression crestfallen. Yet, big surprise, no one had seemed to notice his chane in mood.

"Logan!"

Logan nearly jumped out of his skin at the loud mention of his name. His eyes refocused and he saw James staring at him with a raised eyebrow from across the table.

"What?" the shorter brunet piped up, slightly lost about what was going on.

"Your eyes just fogged over and you were staring ahead like a robot," James answered. He seemed to be fighting between being amused and being confused. Nevertheless, the hazel-eyed teen's attention shifted down to his plate of macaroni and cheese and he brought a small forkful up to his mouth.

"And you probably didn't notice me put that plate in front of you."

Logan gazed down in front of him to see the other was right. He offered a simple grunt in thanks before taking hold of the fork next to the steaming bowl and stabbing a few pieces of pasta; however, the pale hand didn't move an inch closer to his mouth. In fact, Logan just stared blankly at the food with a sad expression. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was wondering if James could hear the obnoxious grumbling sounds his stomach was making. Just the sight of the cheap, probably overcooked macaroni itself was enough to make Logan salivate, but the cheesy aroma wasn't helping much either. To say the least, Logan was absolutely starving. But no matter how many times he kept mentally telling himself it was okay, his hand would just _not_ move an inch!

"Okay, slow-poke, while you finish that delicious gourmet meal I cooked, I'm going to shower. Then I'm going to sleep. It's getting pretty late."

"What time is it?" Logan croaked.

"It's going to be nine in a few minutes. Carlos and Kendall should be home soon. They called me earlier from the carnival," James finished with a chuckle that Logan found out of place.

"Oh...yeah? Cool...," Logan trailed off.

"I guess," the taller teen replied as he pushed himself away from the table and walked off in the direction of his room.

"Whatever," the genius offered to the empty room as a long sigh escaped his lips. He gave his "dinner" one last stir before he abruptly stood and carried the bowl to the sink. The skinny brunet made a move to dump the contents before thinking better of it and placing it inside the microwave.

_ 'Carlos will probably be hungry from the Carnival. Then again, so will Kendall...'_

With that thought, Logan spent the next five minutes stacking up a huge sandwich and saving it in the fridge for the blond. He grabbed a random napkin that was on the table and wrote a note for the two soon to be arriving.

_'I should probably get to sleep too. I'll shower tomorrow morning,' _Logan thought as he shuffled exhaustedly towards his room while pointedly ignoring the way his stomach growled furiously in protest.

**Must type this fast. I'm on the street trying to steal wifi, lol. My twitter is "Gohanrules1". Feel free to strike up a convo anytime. I'm sorry for the rush, but I hope you liked this. Please review? **

** -Gohanrules out!**


	3. Chapter 3

** Author's Note: **Alright, so I'm completely changing this author's note. As you know, I haven't updated this since December. Reason being pure stupidity. I'm probably not gonna go any deeper than that. So yeah, what I _am _going to take about it is the fact that this chapter may seem a little rushed, but I promise you it's not. I have plans for this story. That being said, I've also come to a crossroads. After writing this chapter, I realize I really want to make this into a Kogan fic, but I'm not sure how you feel about that. That's why I have a poll up on my profile where you can vote. So, after you read (and review), please go to my profile and vote!

**Warnings: **Extreme angst.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush.

* * *

><p>"Logan! Logan, wake up! Come on, I need your help," Kendall spoke as he shook Logan's shoulder.<p>

The brunet's eyes opened quickly, but his body remained still as he stared quizzically up at the blond over him. His brows furrowed as he took in the slight panicked tone Kendall's voice had.

"Logan, I can't find my Minnesota Wild t-shirt! Can you help me find it?"

Logan sighed. Of course. He gently pushed Kendall so the other wasn't leaning over him and the brunet sat up in bed without a word. He kicked his legs over the side of the bed and glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table.

_7:00 AM._

The genius didn't even spare a glance at Kendall as he got up and slowly walked into the bathroom, almost slamming the door behind him moodily. After relieving himself, he looked himself over in the mirror and frowned at the red color of his tired eyes. _That's _never happened before. Well, at least not after a night of sleep.

* * *

><p>Logan let out a loud yawn as he opened the bathroom door and stepped back into his bedroom, releasing all the hot steam trapped inside from his shower. His eyes searched the room for Kendall, but it seemed he was alone. He was about to just walk out when out of nowhere, the tall blond rolled out from under his bed.<p>

"I still can't find it!" Kendall whined as he pouted ridiculously up at Logan. The brunet shook his head and rolled his eyes before swiveling on his heel and walking to the door. Just as he was about to reach for the knob, he was stopped in his tracks by his roommate's words.

"C'mon, Logan, help me find it! Stop being so selfish."

Logan closed his eyes and breathed in deeply as he felt a foreign wave of rage wash over him. Selfish. _Selfish. _Now he was _selfish_? His hands fisted tightly and Logan was well aware of the pain emanating from his jaw as he gritted his teeth with unnecessary force. He forced his arms to remain at his sides as he turned back around and walked over to Kendall's dresser. Green eyes stared at him confusedly as they shorter teenager calmly moved around the blond's pajamas and boxers.

"What are you doing? That's where I keep my-"

The thick eye-browed band leader shut up when Logan turned to him and offered him the shirt. His eyes widened comically at his favorite article of clothing being held just inches away from his face. He grabbed it from Logan's grasp and hugged it happily as he jumped up and down slightly.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he chanted as he pulled Logan in for a tight embrace. The brunet squealed in surprise as he was forced to jump up and down with the stronger teenager. The tight grimace on his face was slowly softening into a small smile and his arms were apprehensively encircling the blond. Although Logan knew the close contact was only a result of the blond's easily excitable personality, he couldn't help but take advantage of the rare intimate moment between them. Yet, all too soon, the moment was over and Kendall was pulling away from the hug. Logan dropped the goofy smile and put on a more serious expression as Kendall smiled at him.

"What?" Logan asked.

"Nothing."

They both remained looking at each other as an uncomfortable silence filled the room. Logan was the first to turn his attention away, his self-consciousness showing through as the other's deep, green eyes scanned him. He raised his foot to walk past the blond, but was stopped by the other's raised arm blocking him.

"Wha-"

"Can we talk?"

"About what?"

Kendall's arm dropped to his side and his opposite hand went up to rub it sheepishly as he looked down. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other. This uncharacteristically shy side to the blond was definitely new to Logan. It made him feel…nervous.

"It's about…you," Kendall finally managed to force out.

Logan could feel his throat tighten momentarily, but he forced himself to calm down. What was he afraid of? It wasn't as if he'd been caught in the act of an unmentionable deed. So he was sad, big deal! It wouldn't be the first time, right? With that in mind, the pale brunet released a deep sigh.

"Okay, well, what is it?"

"I've notice you've been acting…_differently_ lately…"

"S-Seriously? How?"

Kendall shrugged and looked away again.

"Just…distant, I guess."

"Distant?"

The blond looked back at Logan apprehensively and nodded his head slowly. Logan stared deep into Kendall's green eyes. His heartbeat slowed for a minute as the brunet attempted to comprehend what his friend had just said. Slowly, the other's words began to sink in, and as they did, the same speedy pulse of Logan's heart showed itself once again. But this time the quick pumping of his blood was caused by something else. It wasn't nervousness. No, Logan knew this feeling well.

"Sorry," the genius mumbled as he spun on his heel and walked away quickly. He frowned sadly to himself. He almost had it, didn't he? Kendall almost figured him out. He was so close, closer than James and Carlos have gotten. Logan wasn't sure how he felt about that.

" Logan, wait!"

Logan froze mid-step, but didn't turn around.

"Logan, turn around."

"Kendall, I have to go."

Logan could hear Kendall sigh behind him. He bit his lip.

"Where, Logan? Where do you have to be so badly at eight in the morning?"

Logan turned around and glared at Kendall. The blond rolled his eyes at the gesture before softening his facial features.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" Logan asked, his tone accusing, just daring the taller teenager to say it, say what they both knew was true.

"Why can't you just tell me why you're so…"

"So _what_, Kendall? Say it! Go ahead, I won't hit you or anything!" Logan's voice escalated involuntarily. He wasn't even aware of the unreasonable anger filling his body. All he knew was that Kendall was still looking at him with that sad puppy look and he couldn't stand it.

"You're sad, Logan. No, sad isn't the right word. You're miserable, cheerless, _depressed!_" Kendall yelled the last word, causing Logan to flinch noticeably. He took a big step backwards, his mouth wide open as he looked at Kendall. The thick-eyebrowed teen waited. He said what he had to say. Now it was Logan's turn to talk. But the brunet only continued giving him that same shameful look. He looked guilty for some reason. God, Kendall was so confused right now. Was he wrong in assuming Logan's mental being? He was so sure just a minute ago. The way Logan just suddenly stopped eating, it scared Kendall. The small brunet had always seemed small to Kendall, but now Logan was just frail looking. And on top of that, Kendall was well aware of the way Logan recoiled every time Gustavo went on one of his tirades. It wasn't the expected look of fear that showed on his face, but a strange look of disappointment.

"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!" James' voice sounded from James and his' room.

Logan flinched again; he didn't even seem to notice he did it. Kendall placed his hand on Logan's shoulder. Logan didn't look at him.

"I'm not leaving till you tell me what's wrong."

Kendall's voice was stern, signaling his firm stand on the subject. Logan glanced up at Kendall, gauging him for any sign of sincerity. Kendall smiled goofily at him and Logan couldn't help but to reciprocate for a short second before his usual sad frown reappeared on his face. This time it was Kendall's turn to reciprocate.

"Go on, Logan, tell me. I want to help you."

Logan stayed silent.

"Pleeeasee," Kendall pouted cutely, hoping to get a positive response from Logan. "Please tell me?"

The genius teenager looked down at his shoes. This was it. He just had to say it. Just say it. Logan opened his mouth to fess up, but he realized something at the last possible second. What exactly was he supposed to say? How could he explain to Kendall that the reason for his apparently noticed strange behavior was everything? Every little thing lately just put him down. Surely, Kendall would just tell him to suck it up. Once Kendall found out how stupid he was being, he'd lose interest and his concern would dissipate.

Logan felt a tickle on his cheek. He ignored the fact that he was crying again. You'd think that after so many tears, his ducts would have dried out by now. But Logan didn't have the privilege of dry eyes. He was forever doomed to a life of moody, teary-eyed, days by himself.

"You're crying. Logan, why are you crying?"

Logan looked up and his bottom lip quivered pathetically. Kendall's heart dropped instantly.

"I need help, Kendall. I don't know what's wrong. I'm so sad all the time, I can't help it," Logan sobbed. Kendall gasped before pulling Logan into his arms and hugging him tightly. Logan dug his face into his friend's chest and held on for dear life. Kendall learned fast and squeezed Logan with the same amount of force. It felt good. It felt _really _good. However, the good feeling only seemed to bring more pain to Logan. It seemed there was no escape from this depression that was clawing at Logan's skin twenty-four seven. No matter, how much better things would get on the outside, Logan was convinced he'd always be dead on the inside.

"I'm so sorry, Logan. I don't know what's wrong, but I promise we'll make it through till you get better, okay?"

Logan nodded his head against the other's chest, regardless of his doubt. He didn't want to make Kendall angry. If Kendall got angry then he'd let go of him. That was the last thing Logan wanted at that moment. This was what he needed for now. He just needed someone that was there for him. Even if it was only for a while.

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><p><strong>So now that you've read this chapter, go! Go and vote on my poll! I must decide if this will become Kogan or remain friendship! Your vote could be the deciding vote. So anyway, sorry again for the late update. I'll try to not let it happen again. Please review and vote!<strong>

** -Gohanrules out!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **So sorry this is really late again. I wanted to focus more on school before it ended. Good news is that it actually paid off! Now I'm going to be a senior! Is it weird that I'm a senior in high school who writes BTR fanfiction? Who cares! Moving on…sorry for the shortness. This chapter was practically already written before I posted chapter three. I just haven't gotten around to finishing it. I'm sure the next chapter will make up for the length. Oh, and it seems the poll ended in a tie, so I decided it would be best if I left this at friendship. But if there are any of you truly saddened by this result, leave me a review saying so and maybe I'll write a short Kogan oneshot for you guys. After all, I love you!

**Warnings: **Angst.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Big Time Rush.

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><p>No more secrets.<p>

No more hiding.

No more lying.

_'I hope…' _Logan thought.

The brunet was in his room alone. The pale teen was sitting cross-legged on his bed as he looked down at the area of floor between his and Kendall's beds. His face was outlandishly blank seeing as his head was being bombarded by an array of strange feelings, some very familiar and some uncomfortably foreign. Logan's hands ran up and down the side of his smooth, hairless legs distractedly as he continued to pick and pry at what seemed to be left of his inner salvation.

Kendall knew. Well, he didn't exactly know anything other than the fact that Logan wasn't himself at the moment. And indeed there was something wrong with Logan. It's just that the brunet wasn't sure what was wrong with him. Why was he so emotional? And why were all the emotions he was experiencing have to be one of the bad ones? Anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, desperation, self-destructiveness. The list went on and on, but Logan preferred to not make himself feel worse about the situation. Logan shook his head softly.

_'Moving on.'_

Just then, the door to the bedroom opened and Logan's head snapped to the side. His eyes were wide and his jaw kept opening and closing as Kendall walked into the room backwards, having to open the door with his back since his hands were currently holding up a tray full of food. The blond was smiling and humming a soft tune to himself. It was only once he kicked the door closed and turned around that he caught sight of the brunet sitting on his bed. His thick eyebrows furrowed.

"Logan? I told you to go back to sleep! What are you doing in here by yourself?"

Kendall placed the tray of food next to Logan on the bed and seated himself on the other side of the platter. He kicked his feet off the edge of the bed as he waited for a reply from the tired looking brunet.

"U-uh, I couldn't sleep," Logan answered, a small blush forming on his cheeks at being caught.

Kendall pursed his lips for a second, but dropped the worried gesture quickly and replaced it with a casual smile.

"Well, that's okay. Here, I made you some breakfast. Thought you might be hungry."

Logan blanched. His eyes darted to the tray between him and the blond tentatively. He could feel his mouth watering from the mere sight of the delicious looking food, let alone the wonderful smell. His stomach growled loudly. He cringed. The brunet looked up shamefully at the smiling teen next to him.

"Go ahead, Logan. Dig in."

Logan blinked.

"What's wrong? Is something wrong? I know I'm not the best cook, but everyone's asleep and-"

"No, Kendall, it's not that. I'm just not hungry is all…"

Kendall stopped himself from pointing out the obvious churn the other's stomach had just made. Logan was lying to him. But why? What possible reason could there be for the brunet to be lying to him about something as trifling as being hungry? Kendall looked at Logan. His eyes secretly took in the brunet's slimmer than before waist. He looked down at Logan's wrists and felt his heart ache a little. Logan was so _fragile_. Sure his friend's unhealthy slenderness hadn't gone unnoticed by him before, but up until now Kendall had only seen Logan from farther. Now that the blond was right next to Logan, he could see that the change was more drastic, more _extreme_ than he had originally thought. Was Logan starving himself for some reason? Oh god, the thought of it made Kendall feel sick. Once again he had to ask himself why Logan was doing this to himself.

"Kendall?"

The blond blinked the faraway look from his eyes before offering a dismissive smile to Logan. He looked back at the plate and raised an eyebrow. Then an idea came to mind. He didn't know if it would work, but he could at least try. With that, he reached forward and grabbed a slice of toast off from one of the plates on the tray and took a large bite.

"This is for both of us, Logie. Come one, I can't eat all this by myself," the tall teen lied while he talked with his mouth full of food. He watched the genius carefully. Logan looked between Kendall and the rest of the food on the tray. His gaze switched between the two several times. Kendall took another bite of the toast as he patiently waited for the other's reaction. Finally, Logan offered Kendall a small smile. Kendall swallowed and grinned before picking up the fork and stabbing a few chunks of scrambled eggs and bringing it to his lips. He hummed enticingly at the taste, hoping to peak Logan's interest and jumpstart his appetite. He offered the fork to Logan nonchalantly as he continued to chew the food in his mouth. Almost immediately, the brunet swiped the utensil from the blond's hand and stabbed a couple pieces of the egg himself. Green eyes followed happily as he watched his friend practically inhale the small bite of food. The genius' eyes closed in satisfaction and he licked his lips. The food was so good. Logan hadn't realized how hungry he was. He'd grown used to the constant pain in his midsection. He completely forgot what it felt like to feel full. Of course, he was in no way considering reminding himself. He was only eating because he didn't wish to upset Kendall.

Kendall's grin grew impossibly bigger as he saw the joyful look on Logan's face. The brunet was completely unaware of the fact that he was sporting the goofiest smile with his eyes closed. The blond quickly masked his satisfaction and noisily broke a thick cut of crisp bacon in half. The sound made Logan jump in surprise. His curious brown eyes connected with Kendall's alluring green ones before dropping down to bacon in his hands. Kendall once again offered one half to Logan after munching on his own piece. Logan's face scrunched up at the breakfast meat. He could clearly see the grease on Kendall's fingers coming from the bacon. Kendall noticed this and made sure to put up a show of sucking on his fingers and humming again. Again, the spiky-haired brunet's little, pink tongue shot out and swiped his lips. It was difficult for Kendall to suppress his smile when Logan reluctantly took the bacon and took a small bite.

Logan could have moaned right there in front of Kendall. The flavors bursting in his mouth were amazing! He took another bite. God, it was so good! And why was he just starting to acknowledge the paralyzing pain his stomach was radiating. The organ let out a loud growl. Logan froze, his eyes wide and his mouth full of bacon as a blush tinted his full cheeks. Kendall laughed good-heartedly.

"Was that yours or mine?" he joked.

Logan swallowed at once. He smiled timidly and looked down at the still full plate of food.

"I think it was mine…," he replied, knowing it was indeed _his _stomach. Kendall was ready to wave off the other's embarrassment with another joke, but he was stopped by a knock on the door. Without even an answer from anyone inside the room, the door opened quickly. James and Carlos barged into the room shirtless, both wearing a pair of swim trunks. They had matching smiles on their faces as they looked at Kendall.

"Carlos and I are going to pool. Wanna come?"

Time seemed to slow down at that very moment. Despite the Latino and heart-throb bouncing excitedly a couple of feet from him, Kendall's attention never left Logan. The very first thing he noticed when the two came into the room was the way Logan's body stiffened. The next thing he noticed was the glimmer in the brunet's dark brown eyes once he noticed the other two's swimwear. And finally, Kendall _wished _he could already forget how quickly that glimmer had disappeared once James invited him and not Logan. A small light bulb went on in his head. Could this be part of the reason Logan was acting this way? Kendall thought back. It didn't take him long at all to remember what had happened just the day before. Logan had been pushing his food around his plate. Then Carlos had gone on about the carnival by the mall. Kendall bit his bottom lip. Damn it! He wanted to bang his head on a wall. He wanted to bang James and Carlos' heads against a wall! How could they all be so dense, ignorant, and just plain assholes?

_'Shit…Logan, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me.'_

"Hello? Hey, Kendork! Wake up!" James called, snapping Kendall from his thoughts.

"Huh?"

James raised his eyebrow, but Carlos ignored it.

"Do you want to come to the pool with us?"

Kendall frowned at the two. He told himself he shouldn't be so mad seeing as he'd done the same thing that James and Carlos were doing right now, but he couldn't force his emotions down so easily.

"Yeah, Logan and I will join you guys after breakfast."

The blond hid his smile when he noticed the quick movement in his peripheral vision. James and Carlos grinned and nodded. They actually acknowledged Logan and waved goodbye to him as they walked out of the room, no doubt going downstairs to the pool.

"Alright, so let's finish breakfast first and th-"

"I'm not hungry, Kendall. I'm just going to go change now," Logan declared as he pushed himself off the bed quickly. The pale brunet walked over to his drawer with a bounce in his step. He rummaged through the compartment eagerly, carelessly throwing his things on the floor. He smiled when he finally reached the bottom and found a pair of black swimming trunks. He shut the drawer and promptly ignored all his clothes littering the floor as he practically ran to the bathroom. Kendall caught a short glimpse of the splitting smile on Logan's face before it was hidden behind the bathroom door. The blond smirked triumphantly for a short second before he remembered the towering plate of food next to him. He scowled. Now Logan was going to skip breakfast again.

The blond picked up the tray of food and walked out of the bedroom. He was conflicted. On one hand, he was ecstatic at the thought of Logan feeling better. He never really noted how they had slowly drifted away from their braniac, and he wasn't exactly sure why it even occurred. The small glance he got at Logan's face was priceless. It caused a certain warmth to radiate through his abdomen. However, things weren't all good. James and Carlos were still ignorant of the serious problem a hand, and to top it all off, Logan wasn't eating, which really scared Kendall.

The blond finally reached the kitchen. He was surprised to see that James and Carlos had not left, but were actually rummaging through their refrigerator in search of something to eat. He scowled at their shirtless backs and loudly placed the tray on the counter. The two jumped and crashed heads as they pulled out of the fridge. They winced and groaned in pain, but Kendall could care less at the moment.

"We need to talk. _Now_."

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><p><strong>I'm not sure how many of you are Cargan fans, but if you're interested, you should try reading some of my other stories. I posted a oneshot not that long ago titled "Simply Logan", and I'm in the middle of "Monsters In The Dark" which is my most popular story. I also have a few, older Kogans. But most importantly, don't forget to review! I love your feedback and opinions, honestly.<strong>

** -Gohanrules out!**


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